So, it occurs to me with my insomnia of late (that I hope and pray the antibiotics will clear up) that I could have been blogging about Ian. Hmph. I wasn't. How the hell will I ever have a celebrity child if I don't MAKE it happen!?

So today the children attacked my lazy ass in bed for breakfast. They want pancakes. You know what, jerks? I'm aaaaallll out of Bisquick. They don't care. And FORTUNATELY for me, the fiiiiiiaaaanceee has moved himself and all of his stuff in. Crisis averted. If you've ever wavered about letting a nearly forty year old bachelor move in to your house, well, go with it. They come with bread machines and whole wheat flour. So I got out the ONLY cookbook that I've ever liked, and found a recipe for pancakes. I made whole wheat pancakes for them. I'm so super awesome. From SCRATCH people. That involves eggs and baking powder and stuff. The bachelor that now sleeps in my room also came with baking powder. Convenient.

Then we had to buy wedding shoes. Ian was very intent on getting some Skechers Sponge Bob flip flops to wear in the wedding. If he'd shut up about Sponge Bob, I'd take him to Culvers for lunch. He shut up and had a butter burger and onion rings and frozen custard for lunch. Why isn't this child enormous?

And dinner. Well, dinner was a cluster fuck. And I'm not editing that word, it WAS a cluster FUCK. I'm ill and needed to see a doctor and my current option is the Catholic Urgent Care because they pity me and give me a discount. So, I have flank steak all happily marinating to make fajitas at the request of the fiiiiiaaaanceeee. I bag them up with minced garlic, hot sauce, tequila, citrus juice and lime and whatever spices I'm feeling. I included smoked paprika today. Mmmmm. It's my new favorite spice. But, fiiiiiiiaaaaneee's car breaks down SERIOUSLY like a block from here. It has to be towed home. Ridiculous. The car is around the corner. So, after all the excitement, I text dinner directions from the doctor's office. I have no idea what Ian ate because he's a whiny mess. Poor kid. I have no idea why. I hope he doesn't require antibiotics, too. He didn't even request dessert or a snack. Something is wrong.

I told my dear friend that my attention span was about three days. That held true. But THEN someone read what I wrote and wants to know more. How can a person with two fans disappoint? I'm pretty sure that if Ian knew he had TWO FANS he'd get all Arnie Grape (you've seen What's Eating Gilbert Grape, right?) and go NUTS and eat the couch.

So, it's summer break. I have aaaaallllllll day long to do nothing but hang out with my kids. Better mothers would be thrilled. Honest ones would say that they have NO IDEA what on Earth to do. Better mothers would be up at seven. Honest ones sleep until ten thirty and then doze until eleven thirty. Shit. Seriously. No one wants anything from me. Ian has a pretty good idea how to get around the kitchen. So he got hungry and made some PB&J. It's sort of his lifeblood. Even when I'm totally vertical, he has no wish for me to make his PB&J. He makes it, he eats it. He's happy. *I* certainly don't use half the bottle of the squeezy strawberry jelly to make a sandwich. That's just stupid. He does. And it trails about the house. It's sticky. Frankly, I'm with my mom. Grape jelly is cheaper! I had no idea and thought The Deb just liked grape. And squeezy? I'm with Sean, my fiiiiiianceeee, it's stupid more expensive. OK, so I'm super awesome and my kid got squeezy strawberry jelly with his Aldi peanut butter. And then he really didn't eat too terribly much more. I warmed up canned ravioli before his sister's t-ball practice which he was too busy to eat. (PEOPLE! It was on super sale at the check out at Wal Mart! You can't feed two gingers for four meals at that price with a real Chef...Boyardee....endorsing it...anywhere else) I called the kids in for dinner after a long day of FAILED summer activities and fed them leftover marinara with WHITE spaghetti. It was just a bad day. They hate me, they hate T ball. Water cost a buck and quarter at the fields. My mom's neighbor kid is an asshole and his father/uncle/ somebody's girlfriend/friend/ piece is almost as much of an asshole but slightly better than the kid. Oy, He had a fudgecicle and and a Popsicle too.

Tomorrow, we have somewhere to go. It will be better. I'll cook and stuff. And not be so bitter.

May 18. 2010

So, I slept in again. Cereal it is. Ian had four bowls. He was disappointed with the regular Frosted Mini Wheats that I poured for him. He is pretty particular about his cereal. He needs milk on each biscuit because he prefers "scrunchy" cereal, not just regular crunchy kind. And, he wanted the chocolate ones. Yes, such a thing exists and yes, Aldi already has a knockoff so my kids were allowed to have it. Francesca said it tastes like nail polish. That's a ringing endorsement. So, once Ian finished his regular bowl he was allowed to have the chocolate. Then he wanted more. So he had two bowls when he RETURNED to the breakfast table after we ran Francesca to school.

Little Hulk had pancakes for lunch again. Just two today. But they were big. I saw them. He let us know that he likes pancakes for lunch everyday. Really? Thank you Captain Obvious. When we got home from GG's he unpacked the groceries making a pile of the things that he likes: Eggs, cheese, Pringles, Captain Crunch (and when I say "Captain Crunch" I mean "Peanut Butter Kids Krunch from Aldi) and pickles. He then demanded cheesy eggs. I told him to get bent. (Or I may have said something motherly about choosing some fruit, but I like to picture telling my four year old to get bent.) Then he swiped some light string cheese from the fridge. And those are MINE. After the cheese he decided on an apple. I made him take it in the yard. I figured if he can't smell the food or see it he may leave some for the rest of us. Because apples aren't really portable enough, he put it on a bamboo skewer. Later when his buddy was over they got in to the fruit bowl. I'm not sure who ate what, but I'm pretty sure that Ian had his share.

Dinner time and Ian snuck some candy off the top of the fridge (that's less impressive than how he climbed out of my car's window and on top of the car this morning). He had an Airhead. While he watched me cook, he asked for marshmallows and peanut butter. I said no to both. Geesh. For dinner he ate a porkchop pan seared and braised in artichoke salad, mushrooms and red wine, and a tossed salad with bleu cheese crumbles and balsamic vinegar. It was realllllllly good. It's one of my favorite meals. I was impressed that he was happy with just the vinegar dressing his salad. He liked it so much that he got up and hugged me in the middle of dinner. After dinner he had two spears of fresh cut pineapple. And deeeeeeeeennnnnn he had strawberries with fat free whipped topping.

Bed time is in twenty minutes. He'll probably chew in his sleep.

Now, you may have heard that the mainstream media is already on to me. There was a big piece on Childhood Obesity last night. I think my legion of faN turned me in. I wish to assure you that my fascination with this kid's diet is because he's NOT obese. He's barely even chubby. The kid is just an ox. Lest there be any doubt..........The picture of his muscles about clearly show he's in peak physical condition. The Power Rangers/GI Joe/CIA preschool regimen is working for him....

May 17, 2010

Ian is sort of a disappointment. Already. Nothing very interesting today. I overslept so he got Frosted Mini Wheats for breakfast. I think his Papa fed him again when I dropped him off. There were food smells in the house and that usually means he's going to find it. He had lunch at Casa de GG. I had beer for lunch so I didn't ask what he ate. He was eating Twizzlers when I got there. For dinner he had venison in macaroni and cheese. I was feeling super lazy after building a contraption that will protect an egg in a two story fall. It went down the basement stairs OK, so I guess that's a win and I get off of feeling guilty for boxed dinner. He had yogurt at bedtime. But he was throwing stuff around and most of the yogurt may have landed on the floor. I'll check later. I promise to feed him stuff tomorrow that you'll all really be impressed with. It IS my job as a mother to impress other mothers and the internet at large.

Did you know.....?

Did you know that there are many, many people that keep blogs on every single thing that they eat or cook? They do. There are newspaper articles about it. It's sort of fascinating. But I don't really care THAT much about what bored adults eat. If I eat something really good or cook something really good, I just put it on Facebook. You know, once in a while. And usually those posts are actually about something that I drank that was really good. You know, like Grey Goose.

Did you know that my kid is four and eats more food than me? He's a really big kid. He was over ten pounds when he was born.

Did you know that people keep blogs about all the fascinating things their children do? Usually their kids are totally brilliant and advanced and adorable. Also well groomed, perfectly behaved and fluent in three languages. Usually their parents are liars.

My kid is not well groomed, perfectly behaved or brilliant. He IS hilarious and eats a ton. And a pretty varied diet. And I think it's ABOUT TIME that the internet offered an entertainment option about funny kids that eat a lot. I've joked about the idea for a while. The idea really got going when one day my darling son ate TWO peanut butter and jelly and butter sandwiches for breakfast. He made them himself. I ain't even gonna lie and tell you that it was on home made artisan 19 grain bread. It was bread from Aldi. The peanut butter and jelly were, too. The butter was actually Parkay zero calorie butter spray. I don't buy butter. I'd eat it by the stick like my identical cousin Heather did when she was a kid. I don't know what he ate at school. I don't know anything he does at school. He's in CIA school I guess. For lunch (he rides the preschool bus to a retirement village after school and hangs out with his great grandmother and his other 52 great grands and my mom) GG made him three large pancakes with sprinkles on both sides. There is a method to making that happen. When I'm a star blogger I'll have her guest post the secret. For dinner he ate three sloppy joes. They were left over from Mother's day. I guess I was feeling lazy. They were really good though and made from venison that my dad bagged. (something for everyone in this blog!) He also had some pasta salad. My mom made it. He was still hungry. I told him to eat an orange and shush, NO ONE is that hungry.

He might be. I'll let you know.